I never think to write this kind of post, even though we travel a fair bit. We’ll be traveling more than usual this year (Weddings! Workshops! Vacations! Oh, my!), so I think I’ll try to make a point of writing all about the worst things in every place I go that you should never, ever even think about doing.

Everyone’s always writing these namby-pamby lists of places you just have to visit. Well, let me tell you, in every city, town, and remote seaside rock, there are places that you should simply avoid. Really. It’s for the best.

So, without further ado, here are five horrible places in Chicago that you should never, ever visit**!

#5: Tiztal Café
Tiztal Cafe is the kind of place that serves up epic portions of Latino-influenced breakfast stuff packed with the flavors of chorizo, exotic spices, and ranchero sauce alongside creative takes on standard midwest breakfast fare and oatmeal milkshakes. Seriously, oatmeal milkshakes! Who takes a perfectly bad-for-you treat like a milkshake and healths it up with oatmeal? And chorizo in the eggs? Come on. Everyone knows that breakfast is supposed to be boring. It’s A Rule.

Chorizo: It’s what’s for breakfast, thanks to these yahoos. (Image courtesy of CycloneBill on Wikimedia Commons.)

Wow. What a bunch of jerks. Seriously. Readers: you should never set foot in this place.

#4: Bon Appétit at the Art Institute of Chicago
First off, seriously, who even sets foot in boring old art museums these days? Please. That’s why we have the internet. Nobody goes to see stunning, world-class exhibits by artists ancient and modern in person anymore. And the food? I mean, come on. If I want to eat really good food, served cafeteria-style, in an art museum, I need to pay exorbitant prices for it, okay? That’s part of the whole art museum experience. Bon Appétit is simply way, way too cheap.

And the portion sizes! Huge! What, are you trying to kill your patrons so you can get to their wills faster, or what, AIC? Seriously, people could rupture.

#3: O’Shaughnessy’s Public House
Come on, O’Shaughnessy’s. First off, all that ambience. Really? It’s so quaint I could puke. And also, everyone knows that fried fish is bad for you. Especially unlimited fried fish on Fridays. So what the heck are you guys doing making it so good that basically nobody can possibly resist, except maybe really dedicated vegans? Yet another Chicago dining establishment that’s trying to kill us all.

Oh, and that spot-on Irish-style salmon plate on your appetizer menu***? Yeah, the one with the capers and cream cheese and pickled onions and that chewy bread? I’m on to you, guys. I know it’s just there to provide a health halo and lure would-be health nuts in so they can get sucked into plate after plate of heavenly deadly fish-and-chips.

#4: The Brown Elephant Resale Shops
Like we need another precious, zany, unique thrift store selling stuff we’ll just have to schlep home on the Megabus. Do I even need to say anything else?

And the shoes. You guys have a lot of nerve, Brown Elephant Resale Shops.

#5: The Joffrey Ballet Academy
What kind of ballet school makes its Ballet Basics class one and a half hours long and provides a real, live pianist? First off, it’s Ballet Basics, for super-newbies. People could die from an 1.5-hour long class. Second, that live pianist? You’re going to give people ideas, Joffrey Ballet Academy, and they are going to go home to their regular ballet schools and try to talk their ever-patient husband into playing for the classes he isn’t taking. Ahem.

And, seriously, dancers don’t need views like this when they’re trying to tendu. That’s just not fair. (Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.)

Oh, and your instructors? Entirely too inspiring. What, are you trying to start some kind of ballet revolution?

I thought so. I’m watching you, Joffrey Ballet.

-.-

So that’s it. Five terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad places you should never, ever in a million years visit the next time you’re in Chicago.

But, you know, if you do, and you happen to see me there … mum’s the word.

Notes
*By which I mean, these places are so awesome that I don’t want anyone else to know about them, because then they will be totally crammed with people the next time I want to go!

**Seriously, stay away! These places are MINE!

***And you should absolutely NEVER have this as your entree, because if you do, next time I’m in Chicago, they might be out of salmon, and then I will have to cry great tears of woe. And you don’t want that, do you? Remember: There’s no crying in ballet class!