Just discovered that about a quarter of the basement has flooded and molded.

Have been teetering on the edge of a fierce depression, but barely managing to hang on because I spend a lot of time doing the things I love most.

Sometimes all it takes is a little push.

About asher

Me in a nutshell: Standard uptight ballet boy. Trapeze junkie. Half-baked choreographer. Budding researcher. Transit cyclist. Terrible homemaker. Getting along pretty well with bipolar disorder. Fabulous. Married to a very patient man. Bachelor of Science in Psychology (2015). Proto-foodie, but lazy about it. Cat owner ... or, should I say, cat own-ee? ... dog lover. Equestrian.

Posted on 2017/11/05, in balllet. Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Just got through a brief but fierce hailstorm. Water through windows that (I thought) were protected by eaves and my shoes on the rack near the back door (also under eaves) are soaked. And I’m in the process of trying to clean the house for a periodic rental agent’s inspection on Wednesday.

    When I’m close to depression I find setbacks like that have a brief negative impact, but as long as I don’t teeter over to the point of immobility the activity required to rectify the problems (or rather, seeing the problems resolve as a result of my activity) soon drags me back from the precipice.

    So, basically, if you can see a way forward in dealing with the basement try throwing yourself into it. For me it’s not problems but sitting around dwelling on them that does me in. Procrastination is the real enemy.

    (Whew, it’s now still and very humid. I’m sure looking forward to a shower.)

    • This is a good point, and now that I’ve calmed down a little from the initial spasm, it seems like very good advice.

      I’ve hated that carpet as long as I’ve lived here, anyway–or, well, not stop much the carpet ss the sheer lunacy of carpeting a basement in a house in a cul-de-sac that’s terraced like a rice paddy and nearly as damp.

      • When it comes to cleanups (or other forms of ‘non-creative’ work) my main ally in the never-ending war against procrastination is caffeine.

        As with all drugs, the trick is to use it when you need it and lay off it when you don’t. If you ‘need it’ every day it’s no longer a tool; it’s an addiction. That means you’re going to have to set aside some time to dry out before it becomes useful for anything other than staving off withdrawals. With me it takes a month or two cold turkey to clean out a coffee dependence (and sometimes longer to restore my always weak sleep hygiene) so I try to avoid using it more than a couple of days per week.

        BTW, I know I’m a bit of an ideologue on this, but in the past couple of years there has been a rash of high-quality mainstream research showing that antidepressants (when used as generally prescribed) are a big problem in the medium to long term (let me know if you want refs). Dunno if you’re using them but if so it might be an idea to rethink. The ‘heard-it-all-before’ disclaimer is that coming off psychiatric drugs is a big deal that you need to plan carefully and get as much support as possible with. Yeah, you already know that, but it’s fuckin’ important so I’m including it here for anyone else who reads your blog.

      • More good points, here. Caffeine will definitely be involved–I make use of it in much the same way, and I’m usually careful to avoid developing dependency (been there, drank that much coffee, heh). Serves as a double motivator in that it gives me an excuse to drink coffee or masala chai, which I enjoy quite a lot, while I’m working. I’ve discovered that I can bribe myself in much the same way one can bribe a small child or, to be honest, even a dog of questionable intelligence.

        That makes me feel a little better, too. Something to look forward to.

        I talked through the initial freak-out with D and figured out why I had such a powerful, irrational response. That got me back out of the dissociative minefield, which also helps. It’s still prolly going to be rough week, but maybe no rougher than the decomoress week I was expecting.

        Fortunately, except Adderall (the old-fashioned kind, not the extended-release formula), which I’ve thought long and hard about, I don’t currently take any psychiatric meds. My history with them is not pleasant one, and i don’t find the evidence in favor of using them in case like mine at all compelling, so I’ve avoided them.

      • My history with them is not pleasant one, and i don’t find the evidence in favor of using them in case like mine at all compelling, so I’ve avoided them.

        Can’t remember which flavour bipolar they iced you with, but there’s a funny story behind bipolar II.

        It was originally invented to account for the fact that so many people with diagnoses of major depression were getting noticeably worse on antidepressants – mostly switching, mixed episodes and rapid cycling. Now they couldn’t go saying their pills caused bipolar. Bad for business. Bad for malpractice premiums. So what they did was invent a new category of bipolar without psychosis or full-blown mania. Then they said that these ‘depressives’ who freaked out on SSRIs weren’t depressives at all. They were bipolar all along. It’s just that they didn’t see their hypomania as a problem, so they didn’t report it to the shrinks. The wrong pills were given because the patients gave the doctors the wrong information. It was all their fault.

        And the kicker?

        Doctor’s are still flat out prescribing antidepressants for people with bipolar diagnoses, despite the fact it’s been suspected for decades it’s likely to make them worse and pretty muchknown for certain since the STEP-BD study of 2007.

      • My DX is Bipolar I (though, at this point, I take even that witha grain of salt–I have an alternative hypothesis that I’m trying sound out against findings in neuroscience research, though it’s slow going without access to academic databases) but I’m somehow unsurprised about the invention of a diagnosis in order to explain unintended pharmaceutical effects.

        I am a bit flummoxed by the continued useof antidepressants for people with bipolar diagnoses, though–like, they already knew that was a bad idea when I was in high school. Argh.

      • Yeah. It’s like psychiatric prescribing is impervious to both research and clinical experience. Even since the FDA black-box suicide warning for under-25s SSRI prescriptions for young people has continued to increase.

        In 2002 I attended a conference at which the suicidality research for young people on SSRIs was presented to an auditorium full of shrinks. During the break that followed almost every shrink I spoke to (or eavesdropped on) accepted the research findings. Yet hardly any indicated they’d be changing their prescribing practices. The most common reason given was that it was the other guys who prescribed ADs irresponsibly and gave them a bad name. They, on the other hand, had sufficient clinical insight to only prescribe them to those who would benefit from them – even though the study they’d just learned about suggested that was a tiny proportion of the patients who received them.

        The most disturbing (and probably most honest) excuse came from a shrink I knew quite well from such conferences (after I’d joined him in an attack on one of his colleagues). He conceded that the pills increased suicidality in young people but said “These kids are desperate. Doing nothing just isn’t an option”. Apparently doing something likely to make them more desperate is though.

  2. I’m so sorry about your basement! Hang in there. I’m glad you get to do things you love. Keep doing them.

  3. You can beat that! You’re right though, whoever puts carpeting in a basement? I always use audiobooks to keep me company during tedious and unpleasant tasks. Do whatever you need to do to stay sane. You can do it. I’d come over and help, but you know. Continents and stuff.

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