We lost Merkah this week. I came home from rehearsal on Wednesday and found him.

We don’t know for certain if his death was in any way related to the surgery, because we chose not to have him autopsied, but I don’t think it was a direct cause. We’d been checking in regularly with his docs and things seemed to be pretty normal. I think maybe it was just his time.

We’re grieving, and it’s hard to write these words. He was always full of joy and love. He was never afraid to be silly. He always knew when we were sick or sad or hurting. He was always a big orange weirdo who was spectacularly and singularly himself.

We miss him, and we will miss him, but the joy of having known and loved him is powerful.

On the last morning, I kissed him on top of his head before I left and told him I loved him. I’m glad I did.

This was a rough pairing: it came on the same week that NEBT announced my addition to the company. Literally on the same day that they posted my pics and bio on Insta, so I had this very weird experience of my friends being really excited for me and me feeling really grateful and happy but also incredibly, incredibly sad.

We learn by living that joy and grief can travel side by side. One does not have to diminish the other.

It feels strange sometimes – like sunshine in the midst of a downpour – but honestly, life is like that sometimes.

I am grateful to have known and loved Merkah.

The last thing: on Wednesday I kept thinking about how I wasn’t ready for this, but how also he could’ve lived another fifteen years and I wouldn’t be ready, and that’s okay.

Most of life kind of happens when we’re not ready. We seem to live anyway.