This Stupid Day
In fact, today wasn’t really a stupid day.
It was a pretty good day.
We worked on stuff in Chem lecture that went really well for me (it turns out I freaking love math, but that’s another post). We got Exam II back in Sensation and Perception and I did really well (a 96; could’ve had a 98 if I hadn’t completely forgotten to answer question 31, but 96 is fine). We even got out of class early, and I got to ride my bike 8 whole miles (whoopee!).
Given the Usual Bronchitis (which, it turns out, is more like a sinus infection that has been exacerbating the crap out of my asthma and maybe a mild bronchitis), riding 8 miles in cold weather actually does feel like a big deal. I had forgotten what a difference my little nylon
terrorist mask balaclava makes — I can breathe through it pretty well, but it somehow takes the cold edge off the air; the edge that freaks my lungs out so badly. And, of course, medicine helps.
I even stopped and picked up dinner stuff — chicken, a take-n-bake multi-grain baguette, a couple other things — and came up with a dinner plan and rearranged some of the financial records in the basement (and discovered that Denis has complete financial records back to when I was in grade school — no, seriously, grade school, I’m not kidding).
When I got home, I ate lunch, I did the prep work so I could have dinner ready when Denis got home, and I ran a couple of loads of laundry…
…And still I find myself feeling pretty glum.
Some of it’s just the usual hormonal circus. I wouldn’t want to stop being an intersex person. I like me the way I am (and Denis really, really likes me the way I am). I would, however, not mind a little more stability in the hormonal department.
Admittedly, it’s worse than it could be right now, because being sick made for a quick, hard taper on the bike. Riding is totally my mood stabilizer, so right now I’m essentially off my meds, heh.
And then, also, our house is a disaster area right now.
I mean, it could be worse. We aren’t by any means at DEFCON-Hoarders or anything like that. It’s just cluttered; the surface clutter of the past two months or so. I just lost all control of my household responsibilities a while back and haven’t been able to regain it.
I am deeply and abidingly annoyed about the house (and the fact that I am like a month behind on the finances) right now. I just don’t know how to begin untangling the knot. It doesn’t appear that my recent efforts have made any improvements, and therefore they seem meaningless and like a waste of time.
Denis has taken over washing the dishes for me, which has been a help, but I miss being the reason that he never had to lift a finger once he got home. I realize for a lot of people that wouldn’t be a huge motivator; for me, it is. Different strokes for different folks.
The difficulty is learning balance. I still really, really suck at balancing … well, anything. This summer I learned that even a rigorous training schedule can derail my ability to manage the house. Two hours’ scheduled ride time somehow turns into two hours’ ride, plus lunch, plus rambling around after lunch running errands, and then I get home and I have essentially no time ’til Denis returns from work (admittedly, the fact that Denis gets home at a different time every day is very hard for me).
This is frustrating. It’s a problem I don’t know how to fix. I realize that medication might be part of the answer in the long term. Like, actual medication. Not just bike “medication.” I recognize that I’m probably going to need more help than that in the adult world, even if my adult world, after I graduate, means staying home and raising kids rather than going to med school or whatever. In fact, I’d say that medication might be about twice as helpful if I decide to keep doing the homemaker thing, because I’ll have to manage all the things I’m worst at — time, scheduling, etc.
I am no longer at a point where I’m willing to keep flogging myself. It’s stupid not to use tools that work. More effort won’t help; if I make any more effort, I’ll explode. More focus will help, and medication can help with that.
I’m just rambling. Anyway, at the end of the day, all this stuff sometimes leaves me grumbling, This stupid day. Which is, in fact, stupid in and of itself, because today was actually a glorious and a pretty darned good day.
And the rest will eventually get sorted, or the whole ship will sink and we’ll start over.
I guess I’ll try to remember that.
That’s it for now. Bikier stuff is coming.
Keep the rubber side down, and try to keep at least one surface free of debris. You need somewhere to put your wheel when you’re changing your tires, after all.