How to Get a Dancer’s Body: Two Strategies*

I: The Slow-and-Steady Approach

  1. If you don’t live in a locality with a good professional company, move to one
  2. Go to performances. Identify a dancer whose body you wouldn’t mind having.
  3. Find a teacher. No, not a dance teacher; that takes way too long. I’m talking about a teacher of the obscure occult arts.
  4. Gather such materials as you may require: the black goat, newts’ tongues, and rooster’s egg may be difficult to source in urban areas.
  5. Using the materials and methods  already acquired, become incorporeal.
  6. Once you have become incorporeal, locate your chosen dancer and cause him or her to become incorporeal as well.
  7. Take over the body of the dancer in question.
  8. Congratulations! You now have a dancer’s body.

II: The “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” Approach

  1. Start dancing. No, seriously, right now, to any kind of music or none.
  2. Are you dancing? Are you in your body? Congratulations! You now have a dancer’s body!

*for best results, attempt with tongue held firmly in cheek

About asher

Me in a nutshell: Standard uptight ballet boy. Trapeze junkie. Half-baked choreographer. Budding researcher. Transit cyclist. Terrible homemaker. Neuro-atypical. Fabulous. Married to a very patient man. Bachelor of Science in Psychology (2015). Proto-foodie, but lazy about it. Cat owner ... or, should I say, cat own-ee? ... dog lover. Equestrian.

Posted on 2017/08/17, in attempted humor, life, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Ha! This reminds me: I recently stumbled upon a workout video with a title along the lines of “Get A Dancer’s Butt”. It had completely obnoxious commentary throughout, but at one point, the instructor said “DANCERS TRAIN FOR YEARS TO GET A TIGHT LITTLE BOOTY” and I slammed my palm on my face so hard I nearly broke my nose. Because I kinda think that *might* not be the *actual* primary goal of dance practice, but what do I know?

    • OMG! And all this time I’ve been focusing on things like, you know, technique and artistry! Jeez! I’ve been doing it wrong my whole life :O


      As a sidebar, I always kind of wonder about people who want to have “a dancer’s body” without actually dancing. Like, no judgment intended—I’m just curious about why they might not actually want to dance in the process.

  2. Right?! I thought that exact same thing. What is wrong with actually dancing?

  3. Hi Asher,

    I hope you are well and dancing a lot.

    I had some kind of summer lessons in the vacation of the dance school – an ex ballet director of a state theatre here gave ballet lesson. It was great, it feeled a little like dancing with Neumeier (where he was dancing a few years before getting principal in Berlin in his active time).
    It was a nice crazy (on the good side) italian man, a bit on the campy side (only a little dog was missing) – and I learned a lot.

    This week regular lesson, again.

    • This sounds like a great class. Neumeier’s choreography is so lovely; dancing with him much have been amazing!

      “Nice crazy” is such a great thing. Maybe he left the wee doggie at home 😀

      As for me, I’m finally back from the desert. We were gone for just under three weeks this year, but it feels like so much longer :O

      I had a great time, but I’m looking forward to getting back to my normal dancing life! (I did a lot of dancing and some aerials out there in the desert, though.)

      I’ll be doing even more dancing this fall—the usual classes, plus dancing and performing on silks and hammock for a cirque company. I’m pretty excited about that!

  4. Ah, another method getting a dancers body.

    – Move in a city where a dance company is.
    – Hang around in the bar where the dancers met after company
    – Date one of them, be successful there

    Now you have a dancers body you can touch and play around with, without the need to take 4 ballet classes a day.

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