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Stuck(ish)

You know that thing where you’re facing what’s probably going to be a pretty big change in your routines and you know you should probably get a bunch of stuff done before said Pretty Big Change hits but you keep looking at all the things that need to be done and going ACK NO HOW?

That’s where I am right now, even though I know that I know better.

…By which I mean, the whole Do Two Things thing would really help right now, but it seems like I keep Doing the same Two Things (cooking, dishes) over and over again and not really being up for much more (possibly because things have been stressful and I’m not sleeping well).

To clarify: the Pretty Big Change should be a good thing. I don’t want to talk about it much because I don’t want to tempt fate (and also because I don’t want to have to be like, “Yeah, you know the Big Thing I announced? Well, um, that fell through.”).

lt will also hurl a wrecking ball through the comfortable schedule that has slowly evolved over the past few years and force me to try to be a little better at adulting (or possibly just accept a lower standard, ugh).

So I’m feeling a little up-in-the-air; a little stressed out; a little stuck.

None of which prevents me from being sort of electrically alive with hope that the Big New Thing will actually come to pass; that it won’t turn out that I show up on Day One and get sent home immediately.

Of course, I am terrified of hope, and being electrically alive with anything feels a lot like anxiety, so … yeah.

If the Big New Thing works out, it will be like when you’re playing a puzzle game and you’ve had this one row jamming up the works and you finally get the piece that lets you clear it and then you can put everything else in place. (Edit: I mean in terms of being able to plan. Right now, I feel like I can’t schedule ANYTHING, which is wrecking my head a little now that it’s within my Golden Retriever Time Zone of two weeks.)

If it doesn’t, I suppose I’ll be a little bit devastated, but the worst thing that will come out of it is more time to work on Antiphon projects and the assurance that I’ll be able to continue with what I’m doing now, including the lovely classses with L’Ancien that now take place twice each week, for the foreseeable future.

Historically, the week before any major change is always kind of a giant kettle of stress, and I know that about myself: I dislike imminent changes; I’d rather just get things over with. So I’m trying also to give myself a little bit of grace and not be such a jerk to myself right now. But, of course, being stressed out makes both those goals a little harder to achieve, so … yeah.

Just breathe; just be here now. I’ll be better once I’m in class tonight and the only thing I can think about is dancing (especially since it’s Musical Theater tonight and that requires ALL OF MY MENTAL RESOURCES, you guys).

To Know, To Will, To Dare, To — Gosh Darnit!

While I was busy Knowing, Willing, Daring, and Keeping Silent about the project B. and I have underway, I spouted off my mouth (or, well, my hands) about having a job … and it promptly dried up.

HA!
Told ya so!
—The Universe

It’s not a big deal — the job in question was a temporary gig, and dried up because the business in question realized they weren’t going to need more people for that shift just now. They offered me another shift, but it would’ve conflicted with ballet (and everything else, since it started at 3 AM o_O) — and since being able to add Moar Ballet! is half the point, I told them I was absolutely okay with being wait-listed for when they need someone for the shift they’d offered me.

I’m poking around at other job options, now, and still enjoying the privilege of really not having to make a lot of money. I’m not picky, so I’m sure I’ll find something.

In other news, I’m re-reading Pat Conroy’s The Prince of Tides and trying to figure out how the hell I’ve read it twice before without realizing how gloriously beautiful Conroy’s writing is. It may be a question of not having been ready, really, before: I think I did a lot of skimming, knowing that there were parts of the book that were going to hit me close to the bone and knowing, maybe, that I wasn’t ready for that.

Anyway, this is part of why I re-read books. Whenever I revisit my “old friends,” the experiences I’ve had in the intervening period (one year for some books, like the other I’m re-reading right now, T.H. White’s The Once and Future King; many years for others, like The Prince of Tides) color the author’s words with new insights and meanings.

A good book is a living thing, y’all. Just as you can never step into the same stream twice, you can — if you’re living, and really letting life get to your bones — never read the same good book twice.

As for crappy books? Who knows. I’m willing to admit that I won’t eschew a bad book if it’s all that comes to hand (but I’ll also read phone books and cereal boxes; I am a promiscuous, compulsive reader), but I rarely revisit them. I do know I’ve read the same chapters of If I Stay (which is a potentially-compelling story badly written) about thirty times in the downstairs bathroom, and I have yet to notice any new layers, there … but that might just be the influence of my ivory-tower prejudice against half-baked writing.

Okay, that’s it for the moment.

Oh, wait! One more thing! How could I possibly forget this?!

For Christmas, our wonderful friend Chef Kelly got us a 10-class card to Suspend, the aerial arts studio run by two of our friends and favorite teachers … so we’ll be taking some aerials classes together soon, if I don’t die of anticipation first.

W00t!

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